I never had any luck with the real estate market in Melbourne. I tried for years and years, but just couldn’t land any of the properties I truly fell in love with. Sometimes I was offering too little, sometimes the real estate agent didn’t like me – sometimes it’s hard to turn down a family of four who are buying their first home, especially when the competition is an old, fat, balding man with no dependants or, really, enough furniture to fill that many rooms.          That’s me, by the way. I’m the old, fat, balding man. Although my diet has been helping a little bit…          No. Not what…

I slapped my tablet down on the table in front of my wife, slightly harder than I’d intended, and she frowned at me over the top of her reading glasses. When she’d gotten them she said she’d been mortified, but now I think she quite liked having something to peer over.          ‘A problem, dear?’ she asked.          ‘He’s done it again!’ I said, pointing at the screen. I started to pace, my hands falling naturally on my hips.          ‘You know, you’ll have to be more specific,’ she said, rolling her eyes. She reached forward and picked up the tablet, frowning as her eyes darted across the social media…